All you need is...

…forgiveness. Then you can love, and be loved!

“Forgiveness engages The Universal Law of Allowance. It requires you to be conscious of the understanding that everyone, including yourself, has the right to be who and how she or he is, at any given moment. Forgiveness is the ability to allow and deal with errors and weaknesses inside yourself and others. It is a way to give up resentment and work through offenses resourcefully. It has the power to heal every part of your being: spirit, mind, body and emotions.” Laura Silva

Some people still believe that forgiving something means implying that what happened was ‘ok’. That is not what forgiveness is about. It doesn’t mean that you can undo what was done, or that you have to forget it. In fact, you don’t even need to like the person you are forgiving! You don’t need to reconcile, nor need you to reestablish a relationship with them, if this is not in your best interest.

There is nothing you can do to change the past physically. However, you can though, change it mentally, spiritually and emotionally. And in order to move forward in a healthy manner, it is vital to learn to let go of the past in order to have a more balanced, fulfilled and pleasant life.

Not forgiving keeps us hooked to, and manipulated by, ghosts from the past. It keeps us attached to negative emotions and feelings that prevent us to heal from those wounds and grow. Not forgiving is in fact, counterproductive. It makes you deaf, blind, and speechless.

Put yourself in the position of the ‘offender’, and consider that you also could’ve been there, in his/her position. The best way of trying to understand the actions of a person in any given situation is by ‘standing in her own shoes and see the world from its perspective’. You might realise that they did what they did based on the resources, the knowledge, tools and wisdom they had in that given moment. Saying that, you will realize in fact they did the best they could.

Separate the offense from the offender and in your heart and soul release the offender and let him or her go.

The act of forgiving is very empowering, and it is something that comes out of your own free will. The energy involved in forgiving is the same energy involved in being forgiven. It fills you with energy of goodness, of freedom of finally letting go of some old burdensome baggage.

We often want forgiveness, yet we refuse to forgive others, and ourselves. The greatest act of forgiveness is the act of forgiving oneself. You can only forgive others when you have already allowed yourself to be forgiven by yourself. 

It will only happen when you allow yourself the understanding that you, too, did the best you could, in that given moment, with the resources, tools and wisdom you had; no matter what anybody else says… 

And, bear in mind that "it is the forgiver that is freed when forgiving."

When that understanding happens, you will be able then to find the joy of living a life that is plenty, with all the love you need.

T
PS Inspired by the teachings of the Silva Method.

Today is a Gift...

And that is why it is called Present!

Since Eckhart Tolle released his book The Power of Now in 2004, a new world opened for many, including me. I was introduced to the book in Spanish about 2006, by a friend who was very enthusiastic about the subject; but it wasn’t until 2010 that when I told myself, “Hmm — let’s take a look at this one.” 

Why am I telling you all of these dates about a book? Well, it’s just to illustrate that, for each of us, transformation happens at different times. And, even if the tools are presented to you on several occasions — in my case by through my enthusiastic friend — transformation, the path to growth, only happens when you are open to it. And instead of saying “The teacher appears when the student is ready”, in this case I’d say, “The student can only recognise the teacher when ready.”

A new perspective on well-being was opened to me with the insights from Mr Tolle’s book. He manages to deconstruct a quite essential subject in a very down-to-earth manner. However, what a challenge he places on our table! Basically, he claims that the only way to achieve our well-being at all levels, mentally-emotionally-physically-spiritually, is by living and being in the “Now”! Past and future don’t exist! 

“Excuse me?” you may well ask. Well, they don’t exist, really. Think about it — the past is gone, and the future isn’t yet here. We can only live today, right now, in the Now! Living in the past only creates frustration; living in the future only creates anxiety! 

But you might say: “Well, but my past is my reference, my past is part of what I am! I can’t just ignore it and refuse to acknowledge it!” Yes, you're right but — the only way we will “build a past to be proud of; a memorable past” is by making sure we’re living a congruent life. When? Today, in the Now! 

Same for our future. You might say: “But if I don't need to care about the future, because it doesn't exist yet, what about my ‘future’? I mean, what about planning for a better life, professional goals, planning to have a family, children?” Yes, we all have to have goals, plan for our future, aim for a better life, and improve ourselves, but — we can only do all of that — when? Today, in the Now! 

You see, there’s no way around it. If we really want to improve our lives, live fully, tackle a problem or situation in order to move forward in our lives, in order to evolve and grow, we can only do it — today, in the Now! 

Tolle’s core message is that most of us spend our whole lives worrying, instead of living, simply because we don’t live in the present. We worry about what we haven't done, what we might have to do; or maybe should have to do or what we could've done; or, if I’d only known, I could’ve — whatever. Again, we’re neglecting the Now, today. 

We need to plan, of course, but we have to take action, today, in the Now! A problem is only a problem if no action is taken about it. When we do act, it then becomes a “project”.

The message is clear and simple: instead of sleeping on our problems, issues, situations, we ought to take action and transform them into projects. We can plan for our future, set our goals, and organize the tasks, and we can do today what corresponds to today. The tasks for tomorrow, do them in tomorrow’s today. And, if we are conscious of that, and put it into practice, when we look back, when we look to our yesterday, our past, even if there are things we believe should still be improved, we will have the certainty that we did the best we could with the resources and knowledge we had at the time, in the past’s today. And today we can improve them with the resources and knowledge we’ve accumulated, which will contribute to a better tomorrow.

Simple? Yes, the concept is. Easy to implement? Not at all! It requires the willingness to make that leap to change, when only you know when enough is enough! 

This whole concept was a true revelation to me. It really made a substantial shift in my way of seeing my life, the situations and people around me, and, most importantly, it released an enormous weight from my shoulders! Once I understood that the only way to have a balanced and fulfilling life is living today, I stopped worrying about tomorrow, because it doesn’t really exist! Only today matters! So, instead of creating factitious issues for tomorrow and turning them into problems, thus generating anxiety, suffering, frustration, depression, and so on and so forth — let’s live today, work on our projects today, enjoy our moments today, live life fully, today! Not yesterday, not tomorrow, Today! 

I personally know people who’ve spent and keep spending most of their lives and time waiting — waiting for the right time to do X, Y and Z; waiting for the right time to wear, or use, something that was given to them; waiting for the right time to — start living! 

The only day to prepare, for a memorable past and an amazing future, is today! It is a work in continuous progress; it requires a permanent state of awareness and constant vigilance. But speaking from my own experience, it’s worth it. Let’s not waste it!

"What day is it?" asked Pooh.

"It is today", squeaked Piglet.

"My favorite day"! said Pooh.

Have a great day!

T

Talking about.... Charisma!

“You have just one opportunity to make a first good impression!”

I’m sure you heard this one before, right? Well, guess what? It is TRUE!

Our body, our posture, our presence tells a lot about us! Non-verbal communication is our primal survival skill. Before verbal communication, that was the most important skill we had to recognize the message coming from other being, if the encounter was going to be friendly or aggressive. And, based on the outcome of that “impression” depended if we were going to be shaking hands or turned out to be the main course of someone else’s diner!

Studies show that takes only TWO seconds to make this “vital” decision. Fight or flight.

If it is only two seconds what we have to create a first good impression …. We better get it right from the beginning!

So, what do we have to do, or to have, to create this first good impression, to be this nice and welcoming, pleasant person that everybody loves, everybody wants to hang around, everybody wants to listen to?

What about improving our Charisma!? You are probably thinking… “but charisma is something we are born with”…, right? Well, Olivia Fox, in her book, The Charisma Myth, demystify the subject and tells us that charisma is something we learn in a very early age of our lives. But the good news is.... we can still learn it as adults.

Sharing Olivia's insights I also believe that mastering Charisma can improve our nonverbal communication. Charisma is about Presence, Power and Warmth.

Presence is the real core of charisma. To be present not only means to be physically present, it really means to be connected, to build trust, to be engaged with the person you are talking to, with your audience. You really need to be a good listener. Otherwise you can be seen as inauthentic, and nothing ruins trust and charisma faster than being inauthentic.

Being Present is about showing people that you care; that you want to connect to them; that they matter to you. Remember this:

People don’t really care how much you know, until they know how much you care!

*Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone were both politicians of extraordinary ability in the Victoria Era in the British Empire. However, their personalities clashed and they heartily loathed each other. 

Jennie Jerome was Winston Churchill's mother, an American, who happened to dine with both man in a certain occasion and she declared: "When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But when I sat next to Disraeli I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman in England." *

Guess who Queen Victoria “picked” for the powerful position of her Prime Minister in 1868? Mr. Disraeli, of course. 

Charisma is not just how we make people feel about us, it is also about how we make them feel about themselves! Don’t try to impress them, let them to impress you! And show it!

Second element of charisma: Power.

Power is our perception of others' ability to affect the world around them! It can be through raw physical abilities, money, positions, influences, etc. We look for clues of power in the person’s appearance, in others reaction around that person, but above all, in the person’s nonverbal communication.

As per Amy Cuddy, a Harvard researcher in body language, changing our pose/posture can influence not only the perception that others, our audience, have of us but can also change our own brain, and therefore our body physical expressions.

She made a study where people were asked to be in a room and to stay for 2 minutes in different poses, which were called High Power Poses, and Low Power Poses. After 2 minutes in each pose those people were put through some tough job interviews for 5 minutes.

And guess what? Not only the people involved in the experiment reported how differently they felt after each different pose (more confident or less, had better results on the interviews, or not, depending on the pose), but also some hormone levels of their own bodies changed after the experiment in each different pose.

It was reported that after the High Power Pose, the level of Testosterone (the hormone related to power) increased substantially while Cortisone (the hormone related to stress) decreased. And, after the Low Power pose experience, the level of Testosterone decreased (less power) and the level of Cortisone (more stress) increased.

What Amy Cuddy wanted to prove with this experiment was that not only our minds can change our body but also, the other way around; our body can change our minds.

When we assume a “High Power Pose”, we feel more powerful, and our mind 'believes' it; and internally we have a chemical boost (where anxiety decreases and assertiveness increases), and that makes we feel great! It is a cycle. And our job is to keep this cycle going. How?

When athletes are learning how to perform, they use imagination/visualization to condition their brain to get to the mental state they need for peak performance. We should do the same.

And the good news is… our mind doesn't differentiate imagination from reality! If we start conditioning our minds to become something we really want to become, and work on that, and believe we can achieve it, our minds will then believe it too, and in a matter of time it will become part of us.

Third aspect of charisma: Warmth!

We perceive warmth almost entirely through body language and behavior. It is evaluated even more directly than power. And, the bad news is…. We can not fake it!

Warmth is fully related to AUTHENTICITY! And as I mentioned before, been perceived as inauthentic is the worse that could happen to any person. And as leaders in our fields, if we are not authentic we won't have the power to motivate, inspire, influence others. In fact, no one will follow us.

Authenticity is related to self-confidence. When you are happy to be who you are you come out as you, nobody else, so, you are authentic, and people might love or hate you, but they can’t say that there is some “hidden agenda” about you.

We can change and improve our posture, polish our gestures depending on the environment we are, we can correct bad habits when in public, once we are aware of our body expressions.

But we can not really learn body language, otherwise we will be performing/acting, we will be inauthentic. Body language, our nonverbal communication comes from within. From whom we are. It is a real expression of how we feel about ourselves, our beliefs, values and emotions.

To enhance and improve our nonverbal communication, our body language, we will have to work from within; enhancing our self-esteem, confidence, and then expressing ourselves naturally from deep inside.

Charisma is the utmost expression of your nonverbal communication, of your body language. Once you work on your self-confidence, enhancing your charisma, taking into account: your Presence, your Power and your Warmth; you can then relax, because your own body will do the job.

And two seconds will be more than enough for you to give a first great impression, and deliver your message in the most amazing and authentic way.

YOUR WAY!

T

Word Matters – Empower your vocabulary

“Words…. They’ve been used to make us laugh and cry. They can wound or heal! They offer us hope or devastation. With words we can make our noblest intentions felt and our deepest desires known.”* 

It is interesting to observe how certain words can trigger different emotions or actions in different people. On the other hand, an experience can reveal a different set of words to express it, depending on each person.

Why? Because each word has an emotion connected to it which is based on our beliefs; and our beliefs define how we express ourselves and the words we use. It is a circle.

Most of us are aware of the power of the words, the power that many great speakers have to influence us, to move us to action. However, many of us are not conscious of our own power using words.

How do you place your words?

Think how the same message given in a different wording can change completely the emotional energy connected to it. It is for this reason that words directly influence how the spoken message is perceived.

It is clear that some words can lead to uplifting and empowering sensations, while others just cause the opposite. It all depends on the emotions “we” attached to them. And I say “we” because the emotions we attach to words are directly related to our culture, our values, our beliefs.

Some words might be ‘neutral’ to certain people, not transmitting any special and/or strong emotions, while to other people they could be even offensive. And, this can become quite tricky sometimes in the ‘globalised world’ we currently live in.

The way we express says a lot about ourselves. The words we choose to express our thoughts, tells everything about us!

We all should be vigilant and use our words conscientiously. We have a huge responsibility in using them wisely. Once they are said, we can’t take them back! The emotions they carry with them will affect all persons present, and can provoke different reactions. And, if misused, they can cause wounds that are quite difficult to heal too…

To some, those misuses - which I call verbal abuses - are justified by a way to express their inner emotions. “I’m upset, I don’t care, I say what I feel the way I feel…I scream, I curse, I do what is necessary to pull it out!” 

Pulling out words to express an upsetting emotion is part of a healing process, but it should be a very personal process; throwing those words around won’t help to minimize the pain, in contrary, in most cases, only contribute to expand the ‘upsetting emotion’.

However, if we watch our emotions and choose to change the words attached to them, giving them a more positive approach, using uplifting words, I’m convinced that we can then change the emotion in the first place, and then improve our well-being altogether.

Listen to yourself, what kind of words do you use daily? Are they empowering, or disempowering? Are your comments, your feedbacks constructive? How do you see life? Does it sparkle, or is it blurring?

We can start with small changes in our daily expressions, for example, instead of saying “I hate this…” try to use “I prefer this…”. Telling someone "I have a different option about this...", has a completely different impact that saying "You are wrong!"... Besides, who holds the truth? Right and wrong depend on our personal beliefs.

Mother Theresa once said, “Don’t ask me to fight against war; ask me to fight pro peace!”

I’m convinced that we can transform our lives transforming our vocabulary. If we enrich our vocabulary with words that are motivating, uplifting, tender, compassionate, constructive, caring, loving, so on and so forth; our life experiences will be transformed.

Choose your words, empower your vocabulary and improve your life!

T

*Anthony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within

I'll be there one day, and you too....

Yesterday I went to the cinema to watch "The Quartet".

It is such a touching movie about life itself and everyone's struggles in facing the inevitable... growing old. Despite of the toughness of the crude reality - which each of us will face sooner or later - the story develops in a way that lifts everyone's spirit. It was a delightful movie, I must say.

Today, a friend posted something which falls under the same subject and I thought of sharing with you.

"When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. 

We will all, one day, be there, too!" 

T

Find your balance and aim high!

With the New Year come the resolutions.

For most of us it is the time when we look back and check how much we have achieved, what is still missing, and what we could do better during the upcoming year.

For the past five years, at this time of the year, I have taken the time to write down what I wanted to achieve the following year, and which areas of my live needed improvement! I usually divide my wishing list in four areas – following the teachings of one of my ‘indirect mentors’, Stephen R. Covey – called the four dimensions of life: body, mind, heart and spirit.

Stephen says, these four areas are interconnected; therefore in order to achieve our goals successfully we would have to think on them considering each of those areas and aim for the balance amongst them. This is the only way our goals will be sustainable; which means we can achieve now, later, and even later.

Finding the balance will impact the totality of our lives, our ability to think, to give and receive love, our sense of our own worth, our value as a human being. It will enhance our own potential; it will develop awareness, self-awareness; integrity.

And, integrity equals integrated which equals connected. Once we are connected with our own self, once we develop self-awareness we will be able to perceive that everything around us is interconnected, and so are we. And a new and amazing world will unfold around us.

We all have dreams, we want to achieve many things, but it all starts with action and one step after the other. Take a pen and a notebook and begin writing down your goals, not only for 2013 but for your life, thinking of you in each of these four areas, and what you want to improve and achieve in each of them. For instance:

- Body: to become healthier

- Mind: to be a constant learner

- Heart: to nurture our relationships

- Spirit: to serve and contribute

Enjoy doing it. Think of everything you know you deserve. Find your balance, aim high and go for it! Remember, every journey starts with the first step. Dreams only become reality with action!

Create your Private Victories! You are the creative force of your own life.

Wishing you a wonderful and happily balanced life.

T

The Woman in the Mirror

When I was a child I used to talk to a woman in the mirror.

We were best friends. We shared so many things; we combed our hair together; we even did our first make up together, when I secretly took my mother’s make up box, and we tried all shades and colours before she could catch us.

We spent a lot of time together telling each other stories. I used to tell her what I would like to be when I grew up; it was one of my favourite pastimes. We really liked each other. And she was with me all the time, because mum gave me one of her old powder compacts — there was a mirror in it, so I could take her with me everywhere.

As I grew older, many other friends came into my life: girlfriends, boyfriends, and “the boyfriends”. Life became very busy; there were so many things out there to discover, to talk about, to engage with.

As time passed, the women in the mirror became ever more a blurred image, until the day she finally disappeared, and I completely forgot about her existence.

Career took place; serious relationships took place; serious commitments took place; serious decisions took place. Life took charge like a river, and I was going with the flow.

I was no longer a girl when one day after a shower I had a fright! I looked at the mirror, and I saw a woman! I didn’t recognize her at first. She was not old, but she looked weary, tired; she had a very sad look in her eyes. In fact, I felt very uncomfortable looking at her, and my first reaction was to run away. But she looked back at me; she looked into my eyes; and a chilled feeling went through my whole body, up and down my spine, and I knew I had to face her.

I tried to start a conversation, and said “Hi, who are you?” She looked back at me, a bit surprised, and in a calm and sad voice replied, “Don’t you know me anymore?” I was confused. “Did I know you before?” She evinced a shy smile and looked at me intensely. “We used to be best friends,” she said. “Really? I don’t rememb… Oh — OMG, yes, I do remember you now! It was a long time ago. Yes, you’re right! But — you looked very different back then”. “Yes, indeed, I was very different,” she replied.

“What happened to you?” I asked. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, “I’m not loved any more. I’ve been forgotten by the one I loved most. In the past years everyone else became more important than I was. Before, we were great companions, we shared many things, we told our secrets to each other, and we had such plans for our future; our love for each other was our strength, and there was nothing more important than that. We knew we were beautiful, and we were very happy. Everything around us was worth living because we were together, because we were one.”

I could understand perfectly what she was saying. I couldn’t recall the time I felt such love anymore; I was, myself, very lonely, lost, trying to find where the river of life was taking me. I’d lost control; I felt I was being taken somewhere I didn’t know. I wasn’t happy, but didn’t know what to do or who could help me. In fact, I was quite scared.

I looked back at her and asked, “Can I help you?” She looked at me for a long, while — then she finally opened up with a big smile and said, “Yes! Actually, the truth is that you’re the only one who can help me. I’ve been waiting for you all these years. I felt desperate sometimes, but deep down I had the hope that one day you’d come back. Yes, you can help me. Give me your love, and I’ll be able to be what I was meant to be — that beautiful woman you used to talk to when you were a child, the one you admired, the wise woman who shared all your secrets, the one you believed was the most wonderful and loving, the one who could spread and share love wherever you took her — the one with whom you enjoyed the happiest days in your life. ”

I felt overwhelmed. I felt sad, but at the same time there was a tiny sense of joy deep inside me. Maybe it was the hope that I could again feel everything she was telling me. Although I was confused, and didn’t really know how to get started, I felt happy to know that my love could help her, the woman in the mirror.

I made her a promise that I would love, cherish, respect, and admire her every single day of my life. I gave her my word that I would always be with her. I don’t need to have the powder compact with me, as when I was a child, but I reassured her that I will always keep her present.

Since that day, there’s a routine I follow every morning: I get up and go to meet her at the mirror. She’s already there, waiting for me. We both smile at each other and I greet her: “Good morning, Darling! You’re looking wonderful today — even better than yesterday. I’m always so happy to see you. Look after yourself, and don’t forget, I love you. Have a great day!”

Since then, the woman in the mirror has blossomed. And it’s visible that she’s happy, she’s whole, she’s wonderful! All the love I give to her, I receive in return, multiplied. Finding her again really changed my life for the best.

She told me she will be 48 next month, and I can tell you, she looks gorgeous! I love her dearly!

T
PS Image by Francoise Nielly